Tuesday, 19 April 2016

The Spoils of Time

It has taken me a while to write this. It should be obvious why.

We all know the effects of ageing on a runner. A 2% annual decrease in VO2 max from age 30 onwards means slower times. And then the struggle to accept that you’ll never achieve another PB, and the strategies you implement to minimise the effect of this: different distances, measuring yourself against your age group, or against yourself within this age group. All well known.

I experienced a new one, as my forty-ninth birthday whistled towards me (yes, you’re allowed to say it: in fact, say it aloud, so I can hear you). I don’t have a name for it yet, but I hope to explain it.

A prologue, which I’m afraid contains a spoiler (skip to next paragraph if you don’t want to know): in the unlikely event that my mother is reading this, it has a happy ending, though during the middle section this isn’t evident ...

First some context. I was out on the streets of Paris when the terrorist attack took place in November. I didn’t see any violence or blood, heard no gunshots, only a cacophony of sirens: I just had to get home with a couple of dear friends who were anxious, and, being French and Parisian, grasped what this meant in ways that I couldn’t. We got a taxi, and the taxi driver grew frightened in what was already a very circuitous route. But eventually we got back. That’s just background. I’ve had things on my mind.

A couple of weeks later I am at work, a few days before the said birthday, sitting at my desk doing some routine admin. Which is to say sending emails, which is about a third of my professional life at the moment. Yes, dear student, of course I’ll happily send you a summary of what we talked about in the two hour seminar you missed because you weren’t feeling very well when you woke up. I make a cup of tea (that’s about 3% of my professional life), and as I walk back to my office I notice that, yes, that ache in my left shoulder just isn’t right, is quite painful in fact. Don’t know what that’s about. More emails. I’m not even fancying the run home. Worse, I’m getting short of breath because there is a tightness in my chest. And my left shoulder and arm are aching more. And quite soon I can’t focus on my work any more, because I’m struggling to breathe and my arm hurts.

I think about calling 999, but call 111. I describe to the nice man the symptoms. ‘Any family history?’ he asks. Yes: my mother’s side of the family, many have died of heart attacks while young, possibly linked to high cholesterol levels. Does he think I should go to A&E, I ask. He tells me that he’s already despatched an ambulance and I’m not allowed to move. I have to take some paracetamol, but must stay sitting down.

Fortunately I have a cup of tea, but I have to phone the school office to ask them to tell the porter three floors down that there’s an ambulance on the way. It causes some concern and two solicitous colleagues come and sit with me. We make small talk. B tells me I’m hot (not in a good way: in fact, in rather a bad way if you have the other symptoms of a heart attack).

The paramedics come, Raoul and Gwen. They bring a wheelchair. I plead with them to let me walk, because – isn’t vanity a strange thing – I don’t want my colleagues to see me looking vulnerable. I think of myself as fit and healthy, and as preserving a smidgeon of youth precisely because I’m healthy. It’s one of the small things that can put a wedge between you and the institution that employs you. I run to work, whatever the weather, and sometimes I take a long route. I can always run away again.

I pass a colleague in the corridor. I scowl.

In the ambulance on the Mile End Road Raoul fits me up to an ECG. You look pretty fit, he says. He frowns when he sees the ECG reading, and tells me that he thinks we’ll have to go into hospital. He takes another reading and turns pale. It should be Barts, he tells Gwen and then me. ‘Best facility in the country’. He tells Gwen to put the blue light on, and starts to put a stent in my arm. These people are extraordinary, and I am overwhelmed by the virtue and virtues of paramedics.

Three minutes a couple of pricks and some blood later Raoul asks Gwen to pull over while he finishes putting the stent in. And before long I’m in the heart facility at Barts being prepped for an emergency angiogram. There’s a Houdini-esque routine by which I am assisted in the removal of my suit and into a gown, surrounded by cardiologists at various stages in their careers, a radiologist and various others. They’re at work, and it’s routine. It’s odd to watch people at work as your body moves away from you, into the realm of object.

The insertion of a catheter into the arm presents a cold tickle, not a pain, but a chill internal slither. It wriggles up my arm and then I lose all sense of it. The cardiologist adjusts the big screen, rorschach shapes sly by, and then there is a tree’s roots, static and crisply focussed.

‘Wow. What’s that?’
‘Just passing out of the aorta,’ he says, or something like that. Actually I made that up. I can’t remember. The mood drugs are quite powerful. For a few undefined minutes, lacking beginning or conclusion, I lie on my back and watch the inside of my heart from various angles, and at the same time feel it beating to the psychedelic rhythm in my head.

‘You have the heart of a twenty year old.’ He says. ‘It’s big and powerful and undamaged.’
‘So what’s happening?’
‘I don’t know. We’ll need to do some more tests.’

I’m taken to the ICU. I lie in bed and accept I’m not going to die. Though it’s true I don’t know the way in which I’m not going to die. It’s now early evening. And only then do I turn my phone on and call F and tell her what’s happened. I think the drugs are still in my system, and it helps me be reassuring. I don’t call my mother. She didn’t even know about the scare I had about the rapid rise in my cholesterol levels last year (brought down through a diet of low carbs and high protein), and this would be a more difficult conversation. I call my younger son, who still lives at home. He’s on his way home from a volunteering job. I explain that I’ve had some kind of cardiac event he needs to bring me something to read, and something to snack on, in case I get hungry. He puts up only the faintest resistance.

When you’re going to be in hospital for an unspecified period without a sense of an ending the choice of reading is an important one. I plump for Tom Jones’ autobiography, plus a book I’ll be teaching in a week’s time. The 18-year old is spooked. He puts on 18-year old nonchalance, but there’s a stiffness in his eyes that gives him away. He brings me a sandwich and some chocolate and stays for half an hour. I tell him to cycle home safely. ‘Yeah,’ he says, and is gone.

In the night I am taken, rigid upon a sacrificial trolley, through a tunnel to the ward in the Grace building. I spend the next two days lying in a bed and wired up to an ECG. Three other men are in the room, all seriously unwell. One sleeps. He is much younger than me. Another man is a little older than me. He’s had a heart attack, but is waiting to be discharged. He’s anxious about what’s going to happen to his driving licence. A third is a very old man, who can barely move unassisted. His resting heart rate is about 113, his blood pressure perilously low. I watch my heart rate, I watch and watch. 70. It doesn’t move.

I do not sleep.

The next morning the young man, an American, is moved to another ward. His blood tests show fearful levels of the same hormone from which that morning I am tested, and found to be free. His heart is damaged. There will be consequences. He is replaced by an old man, whose heart rate soars whenever he moves. He has stories of adventure. I spend two days watching heart rates, feeling vulnerable and strong at the same time. The men are pinned to their beds.

I pass various tests until only one more scan remains, but for that I have to wait and wait. I remain connected to various machines by wires that are clipped to me, or pierce my skin. I have 18 patches sticking to me. Both arms are punctured and bruised from elbow to wrist. By a nod the nurse eventually indicates to me that she’s willing for me to disconnect myself in order to visit the bathroom, so I no longer have to ask her to do it. Later she gives me some shower gel. ‘Just don’t get those wet.’ I walk, almost a free man, to the shower. Tom Jones has had his first big hit, and it follows me silently down the corridor.

I am panicking about work. I have an event to do the following evening, an ‘in-conversation’ with an indie rock-musician about the inter-relations between songs and history. No one else can do this. I need to be discharged by the following night. The consultant comes. ‘You look fit,’ he says. I explain that I run marathons, and try not to complicate that with any qualifications or stories. ‘You’re in good shape.’ So what’s wrong? Perhaps nothing. The initial ECG showed a troubling arrhythmia, but that’s not uncommon, and it’s not dangerous until it becomes too frequent.

My heartbeat syncopates. I am hospitalised by listening to too much jazz.

I need an ultrasound scan and then I am free, but the day begins to wane. Tom Jones becomes disillusioned, whiling his days away in Las Vegas shows, eating, drinking, knowing what to expect. He buys one Home Counties property after another, while the green grass of home still grows on him. He discovers meaningful duets and soon it is night.

The woman with the food trolley is solicitous. She keeps on giving me extra food. I’ve not stayed in hospital since I was a small child. It reminds me of aeroplane food, that’s all.

The nurses have begun to look upon me as a fraud. Not just because I am to all appearances brutally healthy, but because I have claimed to be married with children, and there have been no visitors. I lie in bed slowing my heart – today it is 62 – and reading. And I think about how I have used my days. This is not a good thought, because half of them are spent, and the books I have not written pile up faster than those I have. I can see the mental furniture know, know what those books are meant to do, but the frailty of the body is vying with my mortgage to be captain of my soul.

I resign myself to sleep. I am a poor sleeper, and the bed is unfamiliar and the room full of murmuring, but somehow this happens. And the alarms go off and the nurse arrives with a crash trolley. I drowsily look at her. She looks back, pauses, presses a button on one of my flashing machines and leaves. It happens throughout the night. After the first few times she doesn’t bother with the trolley, but sticks her head through the curtain and presses the button.

In the morning she explains: I had triggered an alarm on the machine because my heart rate had fallen too low. She couldn’t turn the machine off or recalibrate the level at which the alarm was triggered. ‘What was it?’ I ask. 37 she said, and I feel quite pleased. And a complete fraud, again.

The day withers. Tom Jones did some TV programmes, the book ended. I've always felt a close affinity with Tom. There is talk of a portable ultrasound machine. Then she arrives: a doctor with an ultrasound machine and a shock of red curls. We talk about late-life marriages and her imminent honeymoon. She is the faint odour of life in the unchanging routine of our managed decline.

And I am discharged. The consultant is an irritable Italian. He stands with me at the end of my bed, flicks through the papers and declares: ‘whatever you die of, it’s not going to be a heart attack.’ I put on my crumpled suit, polished shoes, become a different person. And I head straight to work.

Not the right thing to do, however necessary. I took something with me from the hospital without realising it, and it has stayed with me for weeks. I haven’t given it a name, and it would be easy if it were the black dog, because I know him. It stayed with me through, and probably had a hand in, my birthday, which I spent alone and partly with my head down a toilet, an infection probably picked up in hospital. Then it stayed with me, slowly evolving, through Christmas. It bared its fangs when I was listening to the Today programme at about 6:50 one morning, and the presenter said that news was coming through that David Bowie had died.

And it has stayed on. It is one of the effects of ageing. Now, like my much mourned dog Mercury, it runs with me. I don’t think it is going away. I am working to invent a name for it.

Tuesday, 22 December 2015

Rolling back the years

The power of the brain to form memories is diminished with age. That’s why things speed up. Not because the essence of time changes, but because there are fewer memories to interrupt the perceived path from then to now. Memory, not life, is emptier. That’s why near death situations are said to slow down time: the adrenaline enhances your power to create memories. You look back on that experience and see a greater number of moments passing. More frames, slower action.

And this gives us one of the reasons we run, despite our ageing bodies and troublesome employers. It gives us a little window in the great ennui of passing time in which we splash about in adrenaline and make more memories. Running a big race literally slows down time. As if we were younger.

And so we found ourselves, Sean and Simon and I, gracing a dark night at the Montague Street, Clinton Street Crossroads …

And so I found myself with ruined hamstrings on the road through Central Park.

And so I found myself being applauded by the drinkers of Boulud Sud.

And so it goes on.

Let’s go back a bit.

‘No one told you about the Vaseline’, I exclaimed, the chime of real horror in my voice. After all, here was Brad, the Brad, team mascot or leader, depending on how you look at it, alias-namesake of the Brash Higgins team, running the New York Marathon to raise charitable donations for the Childhood Cancer Association of South Australia, and no one had mentioned, with only twenty hours to go, that he needed Vaseline. And when you’re running a marathon, especially your first marathon, and you’re not as svelte as you were when you were twenty, you really need that Vaseline.
            On the twenty TV screens in front of us, New Zealand continued to turn that screw, tighter and tighter. We continued to eat. And I listed the places he needed to apply the Vaseline. He raised his eyebrows. I confirmed that list. ‘How much?’ Later he went back to the hotel with a kilogramme of Vaseline. Better safe than sorry.

No, I’m rushing ahead. You’ll want to know about Brooklyn. Back a night:

I lived with them on Montague Street
In a basement down the stairs
There was music in the cafes at night
And revolution in the air

It wasn’t quite like that, but there we were, looking for pasta, at the crossroads between Montagu St and Clinton St, reciting passages from 1960s troubadours as if that would reel back the decades. It didn’t. (Pedants among you – yes, I know it’s not that Clinton St, which is in the Village, but it is that Montagu St, so bear with me). We briefly discussed the variant versions of ‘Tangled up in Blue.’ We found bad pasta. We ate, we went to look for a bridge for Simon to cross to get back to Manhattan, we went and slept in the soulless arms of the Brooklyn Marriott, where Sean and I are sharing a room.

And then it was the day before and there was Jessica, sports masseuse and generally knowledgeable person in Brooklyn. Pushing her thumbs deep into my calves. It’s ok, I can do pain, I said. She’d heard that one before. She has a voice like a comforting, savoury syrup. There’s an intimacy when someone sticks their fingers that deep into you. And there’s a musicality, almost lyrical, to certain kinds of pain. You feel it coming on, you breathe, it’s a variation on something you’ve heard before. Focus on the breathing, it builds, it dies, it builds again.

‘Epsom salts,’ she says. I’ve never heard of that before. ‘How much,’ I ask. ‘Half a box today, the same again tomorrow, after the race.’ Outside, on the steps of the Brooklyn brownstone where she lives and works, are Brad and Sean, resting in the cold sunlight. Brad had landed the evening before and already collected his race number. He’s in need of rest. He’d flown in from Australia. Brad heads in for his treatment with Jessica, Sean and I head off to look for a bar to watch the Rugby World Cup Final. The Aussie bar near Jessica’s is bursting with sweaty men, exuding bravado and odours. And we need, I emphasise need, to sit down. So we end up a little way away at 200 Fifth, a sports bar with a website that belies the rather pleasant and calm interior, drinking water, eating very fine sweet potato fries, and a surprisingly good burger. Simon joins us and starts drinking beer. And more beer. ‘Sorry,’ he says. It doesn’t do any good. The beer smells good, and beer now has a quasi-divine status. He orders another. Sean asks for a taste. I try to interpose myself bodily between Sean and the glass – this, after all, is part of my purpose here, to keep Sean from the bottle on the eve of a marathon, because we’ve seen where that leads (I didn't mention in that blog entry that Milan 2004 was the only occasion I'd seen someone throw up before, during and after a race) – but I’m too slow. ‘It’s good,’ he says, and stops there.

‘I’m going to the hotel to nap,’ he says, and agrees to pick up some Epsom salts on the way. Brad appears seconds later, and we watch the end of the game. New Zealand are increasingly dominant, but Brad doesn’t seem to feel too strongly about his adopted home – he’s a former New York sommelier turned winemaker, based in McLaren vale – which is probably just as well, because the All Blacks are not cognizant of our building sporting microdrama on Fifth and Sackett in Brooklyn. The final whistle blows on a world cup that saw Wales valiantly almost hold their own in the face of diffusing injuries: I wriggle the ankle that’s ruined my running this year. Too late to do anything now. We discuss plans for the morning – sorry, THE morning – and I mention Vaseline. I’m glad we cleared that one up. Suddenly, the rugby world cup barely forgotten, and we’re surrounded by American football; it’s time to leave. A gaggle of children appear, apparently a party is about to take place here, and it’s definitely time to leave. Jessica drifts into the bar, incongruous, a morphing cloud of light in the growing darkness of sporting America.

She guides two lost souls plus Simon through Brooklyn looking for Epsom salts. There is a dearth of Epsom salts in Brooklyn. Every chemist has been cleaned out – by runners staying in Brooklyn hotels I imagine, unless the borough is full of women trying not to go into labour the night before the marathon, when the streets of New York close, or, now I think about it, on the evening of the Halloween Parades, when gangs of trick or treaters maraud through the muscular streets looking for sugar highs, or ride through the streets of Soho in triumphant drag. Either way, not a good night for a long childbirth (and in any case the association between Epsom salts and delaying contraction has no medical basis). Eventually we find a chemist who thinks he has some out back: he brings out a box and I help us to several cartons.

We part ways, I to my preparations, Brad to his, Simon to a quiet Halloween night out in Soho NYC.

A minor problem remains. We are Team Brash, running to raise money for the Childhood Cancer Association of South Australia, proving practical, hands-on support for children with cancer and their families. We have raised in excess of $3,000 and the figure is creeping up. But for a team to be a team it needs a shirt. With this in mind I ordered three shirts from BCCO NYC, printed with our names and the CCA logo on the front and the team logo on the back. They look great. However, there’s a snake in the garden. Two of them look great, and the third fell apart while BCCO NYC were printing it. And they’re a printing firm – they don’t actually have shirts in stock. They said they’d source another and send it to the hotel. I’ve been to reception a couple of times over the past 36 hours to ask, and it’s not been there. And it’s Saturday night, and I don’t have a shirt.

Sean is asleep in our hotel room. I fumble my way into the bathroom carrying twenty kilogrammes of Epsom salts, and run a bath with about two kilogrammes. And there I am, beyond the reach of pain, having thrown Queen Mab to the ground, leg ready.

What are we doing here, and, more precisely, who are we kidding? I’m probably in the best shape, but six weeks ago a physiotherapist told me not to do any long runs. The following day I went out and did my first proper long run in preparation for the marathon (in case you’re not up with the metrics, a couple of weeks earlier would be been more orthodox – but my ankle wouldn’t let me, as it kept on disappearing from under me in a howl of unforgiving pain. I’ll blog about the varieties of running pain on another occasion). 18 miles or so. Not too bad, if you’re wondering. But all the same, I shouldn’t be thinking about this, let alone thinking I can do it in 3 hours and 15 minutes. Or 16 minutes, maybe.

And then there’s Sean. Eight weeks ago he couldn’t walk. While in a gym class, hearing that there was a YouTube video of someone skipping on a bosu ball, Sean not only discovered the true meaning of hubris, but gave hubris a new poster boy.

There wasn’t time to give him a bionic ankle, so instead they took some stuff out of him, spun it in a centrifuge, and then reinjected into his ankle. It seems to have worked though, because he’s running. ‘Just as long as I get under 4 hours he says,’ and for once it’s not a game of playing down expectations. He’s a running improbability, if not a walking implausibility.

Brad Hickey, aka Brash Higgins was the driving force behind the New York Project. And a big part of the attraction in terms of post-race refection excess. An encyclopaedic knowledge of the city’s food and wine from a decade as a top sommelier, conjoined with further years blazing forward as a winemaker in Australia’s Mclaren Vale, had been bought at a cost. Though not at the cost of truly spectacular wine. Formerly a star soccer player for the University of Wisconsin at Madison, Brad had enjoyed (sic) an even longer period of systematic inattention to his training than even Sean has managed, with the result that his pledge to run New York had been greeted by with some scepticism and concern amongst family and friends alike. His achievement in a steady year of training had been immense: but his physique was still not inconsiderable and the five boroughs are unforgiving, even when you are visualising Boulud Sud as your special, private finishing line. He’ll be running by the thread of memory.

We’re not just clutching at straws, they’re straws that have been first blasted on Lear’s heath, then used for a couple of decades in a nursery nativity scene, leaving us with the question what are we doing here and who are we kidding?

I climb out of the bath, flop on the bed, and the phone rings. It’s reception: my shirt is there. Sean wakes. I toss him a couple of kilogrammes of Epsom salts.

We head out to dinner. Any old pasta will do, and there’s an Italian around the corner that looks ok on tripadvisor (other review websites are possible; I receive no sponsorship for this blog, because we all know where that would lead). Queen Italian Restaurant, founded in 1958, no typographical error apparently. Queen Indian might be forgiven, but Queen Italian? No genitive, no article, is that really a substantive followed by a qualifier? Unassuming place. Sean orders a soup, and we both have pasta. And it’s great. Really great, and I don’t even like pasta much. ‘Old school,’ we agree. No frills, old guys out back. It’s unspoken. It’s like old days, on the eve of a marathon, and that’s what we need to be: old school.
            This place is great, one of us says to the waiter. Old school. ‘This place is so old school,’ he says, ‘we don’t even do a Caesar salad.’ And embedded therein is a truth, we both know this immediately, but one so ineffable we can’t unravel it.

We go back to the hotel and discuss how best to pin race numbers. Again.

We sleep, rise, eat porridge in the hotel (the barista serving it seems reluctant to set up shop), watch the sleepy and slim limbs clad in sweatshirts and sweatpants drift through the lobby, and then we catch the last bus to Staten Island. I apply my Vaseline on the bus, while Sean saves his for later.

We clear security, which is surprisingly quick and easy, following the moving mass of bodies as they enter the start area, eating bagels and drinking water. Even in New York, all is calm: it brings out the best in people, as they prepare to pursue entirely individual goals and demons, and yet for now succumb to the motions of a crowd without rancour or individualism.

And we lie by the toilets, and we are young again, brimful of memories, with our hearts as young as the grass, burning through the morning, brains bare, caring nothing and shining like unhurried prayers. Green and golden. Even lying by the toilets.

I rise and shake my locks, and hear a voice. It’s Brad. He’s found us amidst the piles of prostrate bodies and toilet queues, drawn by the athlete’s sixth sense. We hug. Strength and honour. He brandishes his bucket-size pot of Vaseline. ‘Do you need any more?’

And there we were, lost and found, in a moment never to be relived and never to be lost, a few borderless minutes, broken open and therefore whole at last. We part ways to our separate starting pens.

And there we were, now running. Over the top of the Verrazano Narrows Bridge, high above the invisible curvature of the water, on from the functional soullessness of Staten Island’s Fort Wadsworth into Brooklyn, which is a very soulful place. And no matter that the streets are a little quiet, and a little grey, and for the first few kilometres are least a little dull, because we are already tracing the ley lines of the city. We feel the lives that have scraped their way along here, the saline tang of their anxieties left on the cells now in damp gutters. Fifty thousand runners are unexpectedly the pores of the borough’s history. They re-enact, in the flush of their uncontrolled emotions, forgotten – forgotten even by the protagonists – dramas played out at every place along the route.
            At 4.2 k my ankle begins to hurt, and I worry that this is it, the imminent end, not missing the symbolism of the number. But the twinge goes away. The fourteenth kilometre is uphill, and, though my pace stays the same, it doesn't feel right. It’s too much effort. And then the Queensborough bridge, the true test at the halfway point, the purgatorial passage where suffering souls pull over to the side to stretch and moan in the darkness, the first point at which you have a true insight into how you’re running. I labour up, and a couple of women pass me, and they don’t even look particularly fit, and I know how it’s going. And it’s not going 3:15.
            We swing out of the quiet darkness onto first avenue, and I know how it’s going to be, because I’ve had the only possible preparation for this, which is having done it before. There’s a huge swell of applause, and it’s hard to stop all your adrenaline reserves from flooding at that moment of excitement and exultation. But is it, perhaps, just a little quieter than last time?
            The Bronx section seems longer than I remember it. About two people line the route for the two kilometres, and they’re a little diffident or ironic. Hello and goodbye the Bronx: are you maybe celebrating a simulacrum of who you used to be? I check my watch, and maybe it is going to be 3:15 after all, because if I keep going at this pace, multiply 4:15 by 11 using base 60 and add maybe .5 for that uphill section on Fifth Avenue and add all that to the number I first think of and … well, it’s about that anyway.

And ok, the planet is going to the cats (people say ‘going to the dogs’, but that’s obviously silly because the world would be much better if it was run by dogs – there’d be plenty of affection, big and frequent meals and culinary experimentation, pointless running around, and sex), so I need to point out a couple of developments that have taken place over the few years since I last ran a marathon. One, the selfie generation has learned to tie its shoelaces, and the route is full – ok, the first couple of miles, until they all drop back or run into a building or something – of people running with a camera in front of them taking a photograph of themselves running the New York Marathon, because, if you don’t have a picture you can’t prove you enjoyed it right? Two of them run straight into me in the first couple of kilometres. Two, fear of poisoned or contaminated food has increased, so you no longer see ready-to-eat banana sections at the drink stations in the middle section of the route. No, the bananas are chopped into sections, but they still have their skin on. Think about it for a couple of seconds …

… if you were race organiser, would you have done that?...

… yes, it actually happens. There are stretches of the New York Marathon where the road is littered with hundreds of pieces of banana skin. Literally (and I mean that according to the OED sense, not the sense in which people under forty use it, by which they mean ‘figuratively [if you’re under forty, ‘figuratively’ means the opposite of literally, but the actual meaning of literally, not the sense in which you use it – sorry if this is confusing.]). Banana skins. Thousands of tired runners. Nice combination.

Through Marcus Garvey park. What a guy. And, yes, it is a little quieter this year. And I hit Fifth Avenue, and I absolutely and completely know what I’m doing. I’m the man who suffered this a few years ago, watched Lance Armstrong pass me on the uphill section, and then left his EPO-ed ass standing on the final 3-4k, as soon as the road turned downhill. And I absolutely and completely know I’m cooked. I look at the watch, and, ok, it might be closer to 3:20. Some numbers slipped by somewhere. Perhaps I dropped them through the grid surface of the bridge out of the Bronx.

There’s a voice: Rosy Cox calls out encouragement. She’s here celebrating her tenth wedding anniversary with Ed, who’s also shouting support. Rosy is wonderful. I don’t know Ed but he must be wonderful too because he’s been married to Rosy for ten years. Their shouting pushes me up the slight and unforgiving incline of Fifth Avenue. And I reach the top and face the slight downhill in the Park, and I think, now is the time to make up those lost minutes, because I’m a runner, and I know how to do this …

Some miles back, Sean is running strong. His pace is even. He doesn’t need the Emergency Kipling Kit yet. He’s beyond anything he’s run in all the training on his sofa. The miracles of modern medicine are proved to be of this world by the fact that his ruined ankle has held him up all this way, and a couple of years of functional fitness classes with Reuben Pimbal have built a core of steel, albeit one disguised by a few inches of spare Michelin-star-inspired, grand-cru flesh. Somehow he’s gone from train wreck to respectable finisher in five weeks, and he’s not even thinking about the four hours target. In fact he’s enjoying this, and not only because it’s improbable.

And Brad? He leaves doubt behind quite early in the day. He’s playing the crowd, who are cheering the big guy. And he’s enjoying it too, and the more he runs the stronger he feels. Metronomic at first, his kilometre splits get quicker and quicker, because, actually, now that he’s doing it, he understands the whole running thing. And he works the crowd, and they cheer, and he gets faster and faster.

And then my hamstrings go. First the left, and then the right, pure cramp, and neither leg will lift, and I stagger to the side and drop my head to the floor, because this has never happened before, and because this is the easiest way to stretch them, and because I must hang my head and bow first to the folly and secondly to the years and thirdly to the damage done and denied, and I can’t remember the fourth or fifth things.

And there we will leave them, rolling back the years, peeking through the torn curtain … Joad denied the redemption he thought he might sneak past the eternal and vigilant gatekeeper, Sean the thief who was saved, and Brad resurgent and joyous, rising from the depths of an amphora.

And there will be cheering and applause at Boulud Sud, and much wine and drink, but for now let us leave the three of them suspended in that flash of memory, rolling back the years ...

Saturday, 31 October 2015

And there we were ...

And there we were all in one place
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again.

We’re in the dead heart of the temporal interstice that lies between ordinary life and tomorrow morning’s marathon. It begins with this morning’s massage, courtesy of Jessica in Brooklyn, who leaves me unable to speak. Lots of history buried in those messed up muscles, and she’s really good. Her hands are strong as chrysolite. She recommends epsom salts pre- and post-race. I didn’t know about that. I meet with Sean, then Simon and finally Brad and we eat and eat. Except Simon: he drinks and drinks, while we look on in envy, punctuated occasionally by his pointed apologies. We watch New Zealand beat Australia in the final of the Ruby World Cup in an unpromising Brooklyn sports bar, called 200fifth. We have a whole bank of televisions in front of us, and can hear the American commentary, delivered by a pair of men who’ve carefully read the rulebook and haven’t grasped the nature of the game. But it’s all good. The burgers are excellent, the sweet potato fries doused in cinnamon.

On the way back to the hotel I buy 4 kg of epsom salts for me, and 4 kg for Sean. That’s a lot of salt. Most of the chemists have sold out; in this one the young cashier suppresses giggles.

It's Halloween, and the walk back is slowed by hordes of children and teenagers in ghoulish costumes (18% of Americans believe they've seen a ghost, this morning's paper tells me) collecting candy from people and shops. Actually some of them are adults. Unaccompanied adults dressed as superheroes and bumble bees, the living dead and the dead living.

Sean’s asleep, so I sit and write in the hotel bar. This isn’t real time. It’s all about waiting in that space, expending no energy or adrenaline, waiting for it to start. Everything is muffled, but for the quiet soundtrack in my head, playing music I can’t quite remember. I've been here before.

See you tomorrow.

We’re doing this for charity. Please don’t forget to give: https://give.everydayhero.com/au/team-brash

Thursday, 29 October 2015

Why you should sponsor me for the New York Marathon 1/11/15

Baby daughters do nonplussed with more severity than any adult.

Here Celia looks nonplussed in the finish area of the Hackney Half Marathon in May. Every day I remember to think how blessed I am that I have a healthy baby. This is easy to do when you have friends whose children need operations, even relatively minor ones, and you’re reminded of what an extraordinary strain it is upon them, how it shakes the foundations upon which ordinary complaints – about workload or running injuries or the heartless, self-serving pomposities who run our country – rest.

So the charity Sean, Brad (aka Brash) and I are running for, the Childhood Cancer Association, provides support for families who have children with cancer. Most of the charity I give is to cancer organisations – because it’s affected me, because I think there’s a cure around the corner, because its incidence can be reduced through informed choices, and because I am in awe of people who provide hospice care. And it’s been on my mind this week because of my friend Lisa Jardine, who finally succumbed to it aged only 71 and still at the peak of her powers. And of course I tend to give to British charities, for sound tax reasons and because that’s what I know. So Brad’s suggestion of a South Australia charity made perfect sense. Let’s think more globally, starting with SA.

Much as I would like to, I don’t believe in the power of prayer, so that’s what we need to do. Sermon over. Please give.

Thursday, 15 October 2015

Things you can’t take away from me

In the torturously long middle bit of Shakespeare’s most bleak tragedy, King Lear, the eponymous hero wanders across a blasted heath having lost his kingdom, his daughters, his knights, his clothes and ultimately his mind, becoming the naked reduction of humanity. What is unaccommodated man? No more than a frame with a straying mind, blasted by the elements.

King Lear’s problem was that he wasn’t a runner.

[I love the printed name, don't you? It's like when I showed up at the Centre for Advanced Studies at the Central European University, and they had already put my name on the door, even though I was there for a few days ... UEA took about two years.]

I have lapsed, I know. I promised to revive the blog, and I failed. I promised to run, and discovered excuses, injuries, excessive alcohol, two stalkers, an extra 2% body fat. Still there are things you can’t take away from me: the taxman might steal my purse, the ex-wife might take away my good name, the years take away my youth, hair, the alleged resemblance to JohnnyDepp, my children my vitality, and the mortgage company stands poised to snatch the house should I stumble.

But, as you all know, at the start line, Santander, the taxman, your ex-, and the years, they all stand behind you. So it was on 18 April when took a commuter riverboat to St Margaret’s island, in the Danube in Budapest, and collected my number from race headquarters. It was bright and sunny and people of all nations lay on the grass and talked and laughed nervously. The start and finish gantries had been erected for a junior race that afternoon. The air was all salt and sweat and the heat off the river. Men and women from all over Europe checked through their race bags to see if they had their pins. And I thought to myself: I was born to do this, why don’t I do it anymore?

Next morning I jogged over the road bridge to that same place, lined up and ran. Slow, it’s true, but through the cool sunshine of a Budapest morning, up and down the river, around the parliament, over bridges, and back. What could be more beautiful? It’s true that I’ve grown weak in the head, and that when I saw the finish line I persuaded myself that befejez, if that’s what it was, wasn’t Hungarian for ‘finish’, and that I needed to hold back my final dash ... and then I was over the line. Weak headed. But that hardly matters. Then a massage at the nearby spa, then goulash and black beer, then the airport. I was born to do this, why don’t I do it anymore?

And now I’m back on the heath, and the New York Marathon is a remote country, over the sea. It’s whole weeks away.

I'm running the New York City marathon (1/11/15) to raise money for South Australia's Childhood Cancer Association. Please donate! https://give.everydayhero.com/au/team-brash